Control Freak: A perfectionist unable to reach perfection.

What is a control freak? Here is my definition.

Control Freak: A perfectionist unable to reach perfection.

We all have our moments of needing control, whether it’s not letting anyone else have control over the remote for the TV or highjacking the type of music that is played in the car or something as simple as holding the bottom of the crisp packet when someone asks you for one. (That may not be about being a perfectionist, but there is definitely an element of being in control of the crisp packet). 
I think we can all relate to moments like this or we know someone who does this.

As a self proclaimed control freak and perfectionist, it is something I deal with everyday.
Even when it comes to cooking, cleaning, organising. We all complain how much work we have and how much life admin we have, yet to delegate that work would be far more stressful, because for us control freaks, we will end up repeating the work of someone else, not because it's been done badly but so I know it's been done my way. 
Does that make me a perfectionist? Or just a stubborn workaholic?

So here is when being a control freaks goes a bit too far.
So I’m not sure why I have these feelings, but when it’s dark I pretty much believe everyone is out to get me. I don’t have a fear of the dark, I have a fear of people in the dark. Irrational...yes. 
This irrational fear does slightly hinder me. 
“Emma, let’s go for a drink!” “Sure, I’ll have a diet coke.” “Not a wine?” “No, because I don’t want to be drunk on my cab ride home and be vulnerable to get raped and pillaged.” 
Again, super irrational. 
If I could get drunk over one glass of wine I really would be the definition of a cheap date. 
2 glasses on the other hand is a different story.
Clock my bottle of water - fun police!
Sometimes being TOO in control is a like calling the fun police. Oh don’t get me wrong, I can go out till 4am drinking only water, I have mastered the art of a sober night out! So if you see me swinging round a pole in Freedom on a Saturday night, I’m usually completely in my right mind! (I will say, I haven’t done this in a WHILE, if ever. A night out sure, swinging round the pole in Freedom I really just added that for dramatic effect).
17 year old Emma knew how to let loose a little bit more. (Holiday)
Leading on from my last blog “Man Plans, God Laughs!” When it comes to being an Actress and attending auditions, we can only control so much. Be prepared (said in a SCAR voice) be yourself and leave being able to say to yourself “I’m happy with that!” As actors that is the only control we have with auditions. It gets the better of me every single time! I think I might be the biggest chaser, nagger and worrier on the planet (please comment on this blog if you are too, we need to stick together, I'm not the only mad one, am I?) I need to remember that after I step out of that room, NOTHING is within my control. 
My Instagram following, my looks, my actual audition that has already happened. 
I experienced a vocal crack in probably one of the biggest audition processes I've ever done, now this NEVER happens to me (As my best friend Jess will tell you "She doesn't have a break") It was tiny, but noticeable, we all laughed afterwards. I still made it to finals and I'm still talking about how I cracked.

I strive for perfection. But perfection is kind of unattainable. I remember in my 2nd year at Mountview, our first brief for song presentation class was bring a song that highlights the dark side of your personality. Well, 19 year old Emma was so over the moon to be at drama school, I had never considered my dark side. The darkest moments of my teenage years were shutting my bedroom door and blaring out Simple Plan's "Welcome To My Life." It was actually my singing teacher who said to me "YOU'RE A PERFECTIONIST!"

I thought I was so cool.
Having drive and passion is something I will never apologise for. Quitting isn't really in my DNA. However, as we are approaching the end of the year and my natural anxiety kicks in  thinking "What has 2019 been for me?" I need to feel comfortable with the fact that this year has not been perfect. This year has certainly not been something I have been in control of, if it were I'd be the new supporting role in "The Marvellous Mrs Maisel." Seriously, Midge's British cousin comes over to New York and then goes on tour with Midge for moral support. It's my Glee dream just older now. Both Jewish and dramatic, typecast! 

I've written before about saying "F*ck it" to fear, and I'm trying to do this and this and this to make myself seem more happy go lucky.
The reality is, I'm a control freak and the fear of the unknown literally gives me a headache. 
I like holding the remote control (Dad I get that from YOU! Thanks), I like playing MY music in the car, and I'm REALLLLLY trying to not grab the bottom of the crisp packet when offering it to others.

I'm starting to draw outside the lines. I even got close to saying F*ck without the *
Some things still need time.

Control what you can, and the things that you can't control aren't yours to worry about, let someone else deal with the stress.

Emma x

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